God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.
(2 Corinthians 1:3b-4, NLT)

Monday, February 9, 2009

Hi, my name is Raeanne, and I'm a control freak.

Monday, February 9
Today is Nathan's third birthday. It's hard to believe he's three already! It's such a bittersweet thing as the boys are getting older- it's really neat to see them develop and grow and learn so many things, but it's sad that they're not babies anymore!
Faith's surgery is tomorrow at 5:15 PM. I think we are all more nervous about this surgery, as it seems like a much more serious surgery than what she's had before. I think we all feel a little bit like this is a "last chance" of sorts too, not that there's nothing else they can do if this doesn't work, but there's nothing else good that they can do if it doesn't work. As far as I know, if this doesn't work, a g-tube will be the next step, with continuous feeds at least overnight. We really don't want that, so we are praying like crazy that this will work!
Dave, Noah, and I went to a concert Friday night. We saw Chris Tomlin, and it was easily the best concert I have ever been to. I definitely needed it after Wednesday and Thursday... Faith was super fussy and I was burned out from that and from fighting with the doctors...
I have come to the realization (again) that I have just not gotten the lesson I think God is trying to teach me from all of this. I don't think anything happens just because, everything happens for a reason, whether we figure the reason out or not... and I very firmly believe that one of the reasons this experience has happened is because God wanted me to learn that I can't control everything, as much as I'd like to. I feel like I'm in one of those V8 commercials, where someone gets thunked on the head for not eating their veggies... and God has used many things to "thunk" me, and I'm just starting to feel it.
The first thing that really woke me up to this was actually the concert. One of the first songs the opening band sang was "I am a friend of God", and at the end they went into "What a Friend we have in Jesus"... which brought me back to the blog post I did a long time ago with the words from that hymn, and how it had just popped into my head that day and the timing of it was perfect with what was going on then. Then more than once Chris Tomlin said something about giving things up to God and realizing that he's in control of all of it. Dave and I talked some in the car on the way home about how I feel like I need to be in control of everything, and how I don't even think I know how to give up trying to control things... Then at church on Sunday, it was like Rick was talking just to us. Needless to say, I think I've figured out what the lesson is. I'm still not sure if I know how to apply it... letting go is not something I do easily, especially when feeling like I am in control seems like the only thing that's kept me sane through all of this. But I'm trying. I'm trying to remember that even when I thought I was in control, really it was God all along, and every time I've forgotten that, something has happened that was totally unexpected and beyond anyone's control.
Example one- I was doing everything I could to control the outcome of my pregnancy and the way the birth would go. Then we found out about Faith's gastroschisis. Thunk! God was telling me it doesn't matter what I do "right", I'm not the one in charge of how things will turn out.
Example two- I read and researched everything about how things go for gastroschisis babies, learning everything there was to learn about it... or so I thought. Then Faith started having complications that had nothing to do with gastroschisis (like the chylothoraces), and complications that only happen to 1-2% of babies who have gastroschisis. Thunk! There's God again, reminding me that only He knows what will happen in Faith's case.
There are a bunch of other examples too... the surgery for the "obstruction", and thinking that since it went well and there wasn't an obstruction, everything would go how it was "supposed" to go and we'd go home... getting Faith up to nearly full feeds, thinking we had it made, I was doing everything right, and we were going to go home finally... thinking all we'd have to do to fix it this time was re-start the enemas, since they worked last time...
I think if I don't have the control myself, I'm giving it to the doctors, as if they can fix her on their own, when I know that it is God working through them that will make Faith get better.
So... now I realize it... I'm working on fixing it. I'm going to stick to the things I really can control, like arranging the furniture in our room (one of the nurses rearranged while we were gone... it sort of messed me up and I had to change it back!). And I'm going to let God handle the rest (or try really hard, anyway!).
Please pray for me that I'll be able to give the control to God, and stop trying to control everything myself. Please pray for Faith that this surgery will work, and she'll heal and get better. Please pray for the doctors that God will guide their hands and lead them to know what they need to do to help Faith heal.


ahinton said...

Hi, my name is Ashley, and I'm a control freak... I've been following your blog and praying for Faith. My daugher, Lucy, was born July 24, 08 with Gastroschisis. Like you, I took charge and learned it ALL. Our battle was more with my pregnancy -oligohydraminos at 26 weeks and in the hospital till 36! I am still dealing with the "why God" stuff but getting better. Email me if you would like to but know I am praying for you!


Jenae said...

My thoughts are will all of you today for Faith's surgery. I have FAITH that it will go well. (((HUGS)))

Anonymous said...

Hi, my baby born the past january third, 2009 she was only 30 weeks so it was a little hard to mebecause it's anoter complication; I new about my baby condition when i was 18 weeks pregnant and I start to learn all about gastro, but my baby isn't eating yet, and i think so i'm a control freak too, thanks for your blog i been reading it since last december, I live in las vegas, and I'm praying for your family and for faith..
sorry my english is not very good!
this is my Email

Anonymous said...

God is touching a lot of hearts through this blog.

Think of you and the little one, Raeanne.

I've known several babies with the G-tube who are now preschoolers.

My son could have used one but we got through it without.

I'm also a control freak, God used illnesses to teach me otherwise. It's ben a hard lesson, but well learned.

Would it help if I PROMISED you that your God is awesome and will never falter? Never made a wrong move or step and never will? That when this stuggle is over and you do lay down your pride you will find that you are actually more powerful when you allow your God to be the true God in your life?

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